Empowering change: Understanding coercive control

You get into a new relationship and you’re feeling loved up.
Your new partner is texting you all the time, telling you how beautiful you are, sending flowers and extravagant gifts, and in the excitement of those early days, you wind up spending all your free time with them. If you don’t, they’re upset and question where you are instead.
Fast forward and you’re not seeing anyone else but them. Your partner tells you your family and friends aren’t worth your time anyway. They tell you lots of things – like that they hate how you dress and that it’s better if they take care of the finances – but they say that it’s because they care.
Those text messages you used to love receiving now have an edge to them. They’ve tripled in volume. You leave work each day to see your partner waiting for you outside. They tell you they love you.
It doesn’t feel quite right – and that’s because it isn’t.
Things get worse, and before you know it every part of your life is impacted. They make seeing your friends and family impossible. You’ve lost the ability to control your own money. They might threaten to hurt you physically, or maybe they already have.
These abusive behaviours are just some of the tools used by perpetrators of coercive control. In isolation they may seem minor, but when used together and repeated, they have a devastating impact.
From July 1, 2024, there are new laws to address coercive control in New South Wales. Here’s what you need to know about the insidious nature of this abuse, how to spot the warning signs, and what these new laws mean for victims.
Tara Hunter, Director of Clinical and Client Services at Full Stop Australia, says coercive control is a very deliberate process. “People are making choices and being quite strategic and calculated about how they’re taking away your power,” she says.
Behaviours are wide-ranging and can include harassment, emotional abuse, social isolation, threats, monitoring, sexual violence and more, as listed on the NSW Government website.
Importantly, coercive control looks different in every relationship. While there are some common behaviours to look out for, not all behaviours have to be present to constitute coercive control. This is one of the many myths about this abuse.
“There are misconceptions that people hold, which means that it can take a while for people to realise that something’s not okay,” Hunter warns. For example, one misconception is that these behaviours are just “how people express their love and their care.” Another is that it doesn’t happen in same-sex relationships. Both of which are untrue.
There is also a misunderstanding that a behaviour doesn’t count as domestic abuse when there is no evidence of physical violence. This troubles Hunter the most, as it can underestimate the grave nature of coercive control.
“When we look at previous reviews of domestic violence homicides, it’s actually a really strong indicator of potential fatalities.”
The NSW Domestic Violence Death Review Team found about 97 per cent of intimate partner domestic violence homicides in NSW between 2000 and 2018 were preceded by the perpetrator using emotional and psychological abuse as a form of coercive control towards the victim.
And it can happen to anyone. “That’s the other bit that can feel alarming,” Hunter says. “It’s really important not to assume that it can’t happen to you or to someone that you know and love.”
If you recognise abusive behaviours in your relationship, Hunter says to reach out for help. “Full Stop Australia are a really good, safe first step to actually reach out and talk to someone,” she says. The call can be kept anonymous and is always non-judgmental.
If you recognise these behaviours in the relationship of a loved one, Hunter says you should speak with them about it, but take good care.
“It’s not always about naming it directly in the first instance, but it’s about opening up the conversation,” she says. Perhaps you can say you’ve noticed they’re acting differently, you haven’t seen them for a while, or ask if everything is okay.
“You need to just sit and listen. It can feel uncomfortable, and you want to fix it but it’s about holding that space for the person, thanking them for trusting you,” Hunter says.
“Where you can, just make sure you give them choices… what do you want to do? What can I do to help you? Rather than taking their control away because what they’re telling you is about someone already controlling them. We don’t want to replicate what’s already going on in their relationship.”
Hunter says: “If it doesn’t feel okay, then it’s not. That’s kind of the bottom line.”
From July 1, 2024, coercive control will be a criminal offence in NSW when a person uses abusive behaviours towards a current or former intimate partner with the intention to coerce or control them. This is a huge step forward in addressing domestic and family violence.
“[These new laws] are actually giving police a way to put some protections in place and charge people and say, look, this is criminal behavior,” Hunter explains.
More than that, the laws help to facilitate much-needed conversations about the nature of domestic abuse.
Hunter wants to reiterate that there is no shame in seeking support. “In fact, it actually can be lifesaving for people,” she says. “As soon as you start feeling something’s not right, pick up the phone.”
The NSW Government has developed a new campaign to educate the public about coercive control. Visit nsw.gov.au/coercive-control to view the campaign and learn more.